first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize