I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
