Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
