I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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