I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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