There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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