Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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