Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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