Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
