The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
