Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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