i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You can't special order awesome
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
