My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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