Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize