Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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