I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
