I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
