he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
