Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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