I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This house was built for laser tag.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize