Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
