I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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