btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
