There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize