I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
