I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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