if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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