you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
