i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
