I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
