ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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