We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
