shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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