I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
