remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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