Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
