Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
