In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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