You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
