Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
