I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize