hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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