so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
