This is not my ceiling
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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