I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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