Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
