I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize