So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
