I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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