she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
