Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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