Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
