i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize