she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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