My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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