never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
