How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You left your phone here
Wait...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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