There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
