had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize