My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
